I saw a cherry tree for the first time in months. In perfect bloom. With vast, wide branches that seemed to grip eternity, and these vibrant, scarlet spheres dangling from its fingers. I wanted a cherry so badly--- but thankfully I remembered they were poisonous. Why is it that the things that appear the most beautiful and vibrant are the things most apt to kill you?---poison you, one of natures many riddles I suppose. This lipstick tastes terrible--oh you like it? Ya I know-I know I always say how I want to look like a throw back to the fifties with one extreme feature, my plump mouth. But doesn't it all seem abject to you?
I forgot to tell you---something genuinely exciting happened today-other than that cherry tree, nothing this exciting has happened to me in months...I was walking down College street in my pencil skirt, black backless shirt, that I have to work out all day for---and that thick black belt cinched at the waste...I grew faint, walking down the musty street, all glossed over like a sealed bag of fruit---barren of oxygen almost literally. I saw a patch of green in the distance. Blatantly organic, and I couldn't help but realize how I was blindly avoiding this quality in myself--all packaged in something I wasn't meant to wear. So I threw out that black patent leather belt you bought me, and let my gut go free for a couple of minutes, then I got self conscious and ran into the nearest Starbucks to find a washroom, as an attempt to fix my outfit, and make it work without the painful accessory...despite the hysterics, those twenty or so odd breaths were delicious, and felt more beautiful to me than the way I did suffocating inside a thick layer of shiny fabric...why are you laughing? It's not cute...I'm not beautiful when I'm dazed, and I'm not dazed, I'm not day dreaming right now I'm making note of a perfectly tangible genuine experience that happened to me abou two hours ago...what do you mean this isn't me?...I don't need a coffee...NO...no please, telling me I'm beautiful--really is the last thing I need...does it normally work?....no it never did...Jake haven't you realized that being beautiful to you--I mean can not be as fulfilling as you perceive? I'm not a creature...and humans aren't stunning---there is a comfort in being anonymous and fulfilling the conventional qualities, and structures, why must I transcend them?...
Because I allowed you to listen to meas I hyperfocused on life's visual indulgences like plump red cherries I can never eat?...I would often stand motionless as you referred to me as my beautiful in front of your friends---they'd giggle as they all gawked and geered, like hyena's aggressively tearing away the cherry tree inside of me, the limbls of the tree dissolving in their palettes, all within your grasp! Here I am, at a loss--unable to place my uprooted limbs back into earth INSTEAD OF SAYING--INSTEAD OF SAYING
I'M NOT AN OBJECT!
Jake...I'M NOT AN OBJECT I'M NOT AN OBJECT I'M NOT AN OBJECT...
Why are you laughing?
You don't believe me?...after all of this time???... why the hell should you?
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